110 WAYS TO GET KICKED OUT OF WAL-MART
- Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them
and stranding them at strategic locations. - Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
- Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten-minute intervals
throughout the day. - Don't bother doing your own shopping. Simply find someone with a full trolley containing roughly the items you need, and when they are not looking take it and go pay for it at the checkout. (this is not stealing, they did not own the items yet, they were simply 'moving them around')
- Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
- Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift-wrap.
- Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
- Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit, then arrange them into erotic poses. (be creative with the gift-wrap tubes used in point 6).
- When there are people behind you, walk really slowly, especially in thin aisles.
- Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.
- Turn all the radios to polka stations; then turn them off and turn the volume up to full blast.
- Re-enact a fatal incident involving the automatic doors.
- Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi. I haven't seen you in so long." etc. See if they play along. Insist on calling them 'Bob', and if they protest, get angry about it (violent if necessary).
- While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who buys this crap anyway?!"
- When you leave the store, try your car keys in the door of every car in the car park until you get to your own. Then drive off as if this is perfectly normal. (Note- if you don't actually own a car and walked to the store, attempt the above by substituting car keys with your house keys).
- Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you are taking it for a test drive.
- Follow people through the aisles, staying about 5 feet behind them. Do this until they leave the store.
- Ask if you can test some super-glue before buying it, then walk around the store gluing random items to other items/customers/staff. For added fun: See how many cashiers you can glue to each-other before any of them notice.
- As the cashier runs your purchase over the scanner say "BEEP" in a loud voice. Repeat this for every item, and for other customers’ items. If the cashier protests, kill them.
- Take off your shoes and tell them you want to return it and when they say you didn't buy it there say "The customer is always right dammit!!" Make a scene.
- Move "Caution : Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
- Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you will only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
- Test the fishing rods and see what you can catch from other aisles.
- Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
- Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "I'm Batman. Come Robin, to the Batcave."
- Climb things.
- Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
- Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down. Once you have mastered this, progress to "boobs".
- When someone asks you if you need help, begin to cry and say, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
- When 2 or 3 people are walking ahead of you, run between them yelling "Red Rover."
- Make up nonsense products and ask employees if there are any in stock. (i.e.: Shnerples). Do a vague hand-mime of what a 'Shnerple' looks like to assist them.
- Take up an entire aisle in toys by setting up a full-scale battle with G.I. Joe vs. X-men.
- Take bets on the battle from above.
- Set up another battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. G.I. Janes. (Red lipstick might give an interesting effect!!!)
- Test the brushes and combs in Cosmetics on all the live animals in Pet-Care.
- While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.
- Hold indoor shopping cart races.
- Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from Mission Impossible.
- Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
- Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags against their will.
- Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies."
- Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
- Two words: Marco Polo.
- Leave Cheerios in lawn and garden, pillows in the pet section, etc.
- "Re-alphabetize" the CD's using an alternative alphabet of your choosing.
- In the auto department, practice your Madonna look with various funnels.
- When someone steps away from his or her cart to look at something, quickly place random combinations of items in their cart, such as 'A Large Cucumber and a Tub of Vaseline'.
- Relax in the patio furniture drinking beer until you get kicked out.
- When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, drop to your knees and scream, "No, no, it’s those voices again."
- Pay off layaways 50 cents at a time.
- Put a bag of Skittles on layaway.
- Drag a lounge chair over to the magazines and relax. Go to the food court, buy a drink, and explain that you don't get out much and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
- Toss a Nerf football over the aisles with a friend. See how many people you can hit.
- Let all of those big bouncy balls out on the floor, and start kicking them around.
- Put on a blue vest and show up as a self-appointed Wal-mart door greeter.
- Yell from one of the dressing rooms that you're out of toilet paper.
- Start turning on the TVs and get a pillow and lay on the floor and watch. Don't forget a blanket.
- Get into a loud, Jerry Springer Show-type altercation with the couple behind you.
- Stand in a crowded place with at least one employee and yell, "There's a sale at Marden's!"
- Come with a toy ambulance rolling it down the aisle yelling "weeeewooooweeeeeewoooo" then knock someone over on purpose and say "Wait I'm going to save your life!"
- See who can last longer in a paint-ball fight, bring a friend and RUN.
- Hide in a cloths bin, and scream "PICK ME!!! PICK ME!!!!"
- Take 24 boxes of condoms, and put them in peoples carts when their not looking.
- Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.
- Look right into a security camera, and pick your nose.
- Drive remote control cars at unaware people.
- Walk Up to Random People And Hug Them And Say "Grandma!I Thought You Were Dead!"
- Walk up to someone (I prefer a guy) and ask them: "When is the baby is due?"
- Grab random things off of shelves and in every aisle advertise it to the people walking by. if they don’t take it, get mad and throw the item at them, then run away.
- Go to the candy section, unwrap all of the chocolate bars and say "I HAVE TO FIND THE GOLDEN TICKET!"
- Walk up to a worker (Preferably a guy) with a box of tampons and ask: "Can you show me how to use these?"
- Walk up to a guy with a girl and yell at them: "OH MY GOD! WHO IS THIS?! I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?" start to cry.
- Get together a bunch of friends and dress up in prom dresses, tank tops, etc and host a fashion show in the middle of the store, yelling very loudly what each person is wearing.
- Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him "I need some tampons!!"
- Try on bras in the sewing/fabric department.
- Try on bras over top of your clothes.
- While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible "Buttons"
- Try putting different pairs of women's panties on your head and walk around the store casually.
- Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the mannequins.
- Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
- Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
- TP as much of the store as possible.
- While no one's watching quickly switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the rest room.
- Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "the fat man walks alone," and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them.
- While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you and get into a very serious conversation. Exp: The person is breaking up with you and you begin crying, "How could you do this to me? I thought you loved me! I knew there was another girl, but I thought I had won. You kissed ME darling." Then act as though you are being beaten and fall onto the ground screaming and having convulsions.
- Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.
- Get a stuffed animal and go to the front of the store and begin stroking it lovingly, saying "Good girl, good Bessie."
- Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of shoes, not putting one pair back. Take the paper from the boxes and throw it in various aisles.
- In the makeup department, spray yourself with every perfume there is, then walk up to a boy who is with another girl and start flirting with him in that annoying, ditsy way. "hi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign?(giggle)." When the boy shows no interest, start hitting on the girl the exact same way. "hi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign? (giggle)."
- Get an empty book, and say it's a guest book. Get people to sign.
- Play a game of indoor freeze tag.
- Drive around the entrances screaming out the window "the British are coming!"
- Have a team race with your friends- one person sits in the cart, the other pushes.
- Go to the checkout and buy a bar of candy. Repeat, going to the same cash register, until the clerk notices.
- Fill your cart up as much as possible, and then try to use the express lane.
- Use a bullhorn and occasionally say that there is free candy in aisle X (aisle X being the condom aisle).
- Run into a pyramid of cans, heroically saing "I'm gonna save us from that bomb!"
- Use a conveyer belt as a treadmill and lose some weight.
- When people aren't looking, put tampons in their carts if they are a guy, or if they are a gal, put in a jock strap.
- Randomly direct people to the deodorant section.
- Tell someone that you will sue for false advertising, since they do not sell walls.
- Take your boyfriend or girlfriend to the food section and have an expensive dinner.
- Try to push your cart through a checkout without paying. When the clerk tries to stop you, kick him in the balls and run, but leave the cart. See what happens.
- Buy expensive stuff, go home and use white-out and a pen to change the price to something much lower, and the total much higher, then return and demand a refund.
- Repeatedly say "The clowns are not eating me."
- Grab stickers that say "radioactive" and put them randomly on food items.
- Loiter. When asked to leave, tell them you live here.
- Randomly toss bras into peoples carts.
- Set all the animals in the pet section out of their cages and leave the store quietly.
- Clear the detergent aisle of all contents and place them in obscure places around the store.
