this is my: FAULT LINE

You don't have to read this, but please, please pretend you did and just give me some advice, or even sympathy. No, forget sympathy. I want honesty, please.

Ugh..... no kidding, I'm strange, and I'm starting to not like it. Do you ever get that sucky feeling that everyone's lying to you, and that you really DO annoy them, but they're just trying not to hurt your feelings? But it's hurting more not to hear the truth than to be ignorant about what's really going on? And then you start hating yourself cuz you want to just be DIFFERENT and be someone else for a change, cuz their life seems so much better and easier? But then you think of all the little things that aren't all that great, and you decide that you don't REALLY want to switch lives with THAT person? But then you start to feel guilty because you DON'T want to switch lives with them?

And then you're so confused and messed up that you just want to go crawl under a rock where there's no sound and no one can find you, and you can just be alone in the silence. But then I start thinking of how cool it would be to be deaf, but that I can only say that because I can hear, and if I really was deaf, that I wouldn't like it, and then I start to feel guilty that I would even think that it would be cool to be deaf.

And I want these different things to happen so bad, because then I know my life will change or get better or just have something DIFFERENT happen, so that I'm not going CRAZY here, doing the same thing every day!

And have you ever felt like you had this pent up scream, and you just want to let it out and be as loud as you want until your ears are ringing and you can't see straight? And then just to be able to crumple up into a ball and cry your eyes out because your life is so screwed up, and you know you can never fix it, or have things the way you want them, even for a little while? So you just bawl your eyes out until you're hoarse and so tired. Or to punch something until your knuckles bleed?

Have you ever wanted someone you could beat up, who wouldn't get hurt, and who would just let you hit them until you were finished and then they'd hold you and hug you until you stopped crying, and they would protect you from ever having to feel that way again. I mean, I know God's there, and that he does all that, but I can't help but want someone tangible. Is that bad?

And sometimes I wish this whole thing with him (if you know, you know) had never happened, cuz it's too stressful, but I like it, and I feel so guilty about this whole thing (nothing sketchy went down, so don't get the wrong idea), but I don't know why and I can't help but think what if none of this had happened, would we both be better off? Everything was so much easier before, even if I liked him, I didn't NEED to tell him, to tell ANYBODY. And now it's just so hard and weird, but still worth it. I just feel like I betrayed someone close to me.

Me and my dad fight and argue, but then the next time we see each other, we just pretend nothing happened.

I'm so scared of everything falling apart, and I'm barely holding myself together, but I feel like I'm being torn into shreds and I don't know how much longer I'll last. I'm shutting down, because that's what I do when I'm stressed and I just wish someone would hit me so I could feel something again. Wow, talk about a load of venting.... sorry.