Trouble.

First off, I suck at keeping up with this blog. But lately there's just not been stuff to write about.... Well, actually there HAS been stuff to write about, just not time to write it. So I apologize, to anyone who reads my blog (those few and far between), because I am a faliure. (Failure*) See, I can't even spell fail right.

I'm going to try and explain a decision I made this past Crosswalk. The 12th of July I broke up with my boyfriend. He didn't do anything wrong. He was very sweet. And he tried so hard to understand why I said I had to, but I don't think he understood.

Rob had preached about sex and dating that...Thursday...I think. And what he said stuck with me. He said that he personally didn't believe in seriously dating someone until you think you're ready to find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. I had honestly never thought of it that way. I mean, I knew that dating is meant to help you find "The One," or whatever it is, I just had never thought of it as the only reason for seriously dating someone.

I heard stories from Quest kids who had gone to the Dominican, and from Emanuel the previous YEC that down there, a boyfriend is almost the same thing as a fiancé, just a baby step down from it. At the time I had just said to myself "well that's their culture, this is mine" and left it at that. But After Rob's sermon, it started to stick with me. Maybe having a boyfriend is like pretending that I'm looking for a husband when I am so OBVIOUSLY not ready. I have had two boyfriends total in my entire life. It's a pretty tiny number for me to be so worried about becoming "that girl" who just goes out with guys for a week and then breaks up with them.

The first guy was one of my best friends. He was cute, so I mistook my crush for something more and we started going out. We went out for a month and then he gave me my first kiss...and it was NOT what I was looking for. Have you ever had the creepy feeling of kissing your sibling? Well that's what it was like. I told him that I wanted to go back to being friends and he said, "Okay." and that was that. He just let me go. It took about a month and a half for us to be able to have a comfortable conversation again, but now we're fine. I broke up with him in early December and just this past weekend I invited him over for the first time since we broke up to hang out and watch TV with me and two other friends. There wasn't a trace of awkwardness at all and it was just how it was supposed to be.

The second guy I think was a sort of rebound boyfriend. Not from the first guy, just...something else complicated that I won't get into. He's a member of my youth group, like the first one, and he liked me. We started flirting because someone had told me that he liked me, and I again thought he was cute. Talk about repeating history. We flirted and flirted and then ended up going out. This relationship was a lot shorter. Two weeks. The day he asked me out was the day he said he loved me. And I know it wasn't love, it couldn't have happened that fast. But again I went along with it and it was great while it lasted. But there was still something in the way and I didn't know what it was.

Then I went to Crosswalk. And Thursday night I "figured out" that it was that I just didn't need to have a boyfriend. So I broke up with him and explained as best as I could that "this was what God wanted me to do", and I'm not sure if I lied or not. I might have been wanting it to be what God wanted me to do, but now I'm pretty sure it was just me hiding behind God so that I couldn't get in trouble.

The truth is, I'm scared. I'm scared of getting attached to someone. I'm scared that I'll fall in love with the wrong person and "miss my chance". I'm scared that I'll act too soon or too late and ruin any chance I have with the one right guy...

But I prayed (like mad, I might add) last night about it and asked God to just let me stop liking this guy if it could only hurt me. I told him to take away the butterflies when I see him and the crazy heart-racing feeling I get when I catch his eye. Today they were still there and I can't figure out if it's still me, holding on to this guy so hard, or if it's God, letting me know that he's not a bad thing for me. So right now I'm really confused, and I don't know what to do. Do I wait it out, do I do something, do I take a step back and avoid him? I don't know.