Expos...

Sitting in expository writing trying to keep my writer's block at bay.

The only way I know of to do that is to just keep writing, no matter how much it stinks. So bear with me--I have to get back into the rhythm of things.

Right now, the thing that's occupying the most of my brain is this Wednesday. My friends Devyn and Jill have decided that I am in need of some serious dolling. I'm talking makeup, hair, wardrobe, nails, tips on flirting (ahaha, no thanks...). The works.

The thing that scares me the most is how low my self-esteem is, and how much worse makeup makes it. I don't care what people say. Makeup may cover your face, but it makes me feel naked. I guess it's because it draws attention to me if I look good, and it freaks me out when people look at me and think "attractive" (hence the very large gray sweatshirt all the time).

If I think about it, I guess it makes a lot of sense. If people are too busy looking at the outside, then they won't see the inside and who you can really be. So I don't really bother with the outside and focus mostly on the inside. I mean, yeah, I make myself look decent, but I don't really care about what people who know me see, because if they think I'm ugly, then they don't really know me. It's simple. And I don't mean to sound conceited and full of myself, because even though I'm working on who I am, instead of what I am, I still have a lot of work to do.

That's one of the reasons I don't like makeup. It doesn't make you beautiful, it just covers up what isn't.

I want to learn to embrace my faults and accept them...so I can change them. But my physical imperfections don't really bother me. What really bothers me is the fact that when I'm upset, I put on a mask and don't let anyone in. So I can be so upset, but smiling like everything's great.